[I apologise to anyone that feels left-out in this. I only wrote to characters that Cassius would write to. Because these were very difficult to write (despite only writing 1-3 a day), and a lot of characters Cassius wouldn't know what to say to, or feel they wouldn't need to hear from them. So thus a lot of characters, and some players will not receive letters. I also do not really expect anyone to actually play this terrible event, but it is a way for me to have a conclusion for my character.]
I wrote you in the middle of the night once to ask if we were friends or associates. And though you called my question stupid, it was one at the time that I needed an answer to. But though you never answered it clearly, I am choosing to believe that we really are in fact friends.
I am writing this and other letters out of the case that something happens to me. I made a promise to my belle that I would always return back if I could, but there is always a chance that I cannot. And in the building of a future, the future is something to plan for. I want to thank-you for talking to Narciso. I do not know what you discussed, but it helped him to ask the right questions, and to help fears we both had.
I have told Nathan, but not you that you are my most favourite of living detectives--My favourite will always be my late-partner. My Alfred. And though you are not as active in the vocation as you once were, I should like to leave you my #27c office. Well it is a part-ownership with my Alluring Accomplice, in any case. I can think of no other person I would rather leave one of my favourite places in The ‘Neath to if I was gone. #27c was my first attempt at setting-down roots down here. I never felt quite comfortable in the rooms, but the office is more than I ever could have hoped to establish.
And I should want you to continue to look after Nathan. He is the closest friend that I have ever had. I cannot even put into words how much that I adore him. And I cannot bare even the thought of something else horrible happening to him. I know that he gets involved in things that he will not even share with me, but I also know that he is more clever than some realise. Still I cannot help but to play the part of a peahen. If something happens to me, please, in the least, be there for him.
I do not know if you are still in contact with Louis Plumb. I do know that he has a real admiration for you. I also know that I cannot bring myself to write this sort of letter to the boy. He has had so much to deal with already, that I do not wish to cause more pain by my words. Though I should like for him to have what literature he wishes from my collection.
I hope that you find your answers, & your lights in the dark.
---Captain Lorel Cassius
My dearest compatriot,
If you are receiving this letter, then something I cannot return from has happened to me. It is most likely that you were with me during such, and if not then I really do not know what would have caused it. I know that the Iron Republic will be perilous, and unpredictable. But before now I never had a fear of dying during this quest.
Now I have found my light in the dark. I see a future where before I did not see one. I do not plan to give-up on my answers, I never will until we both have ours. But now I have something for after, and something to return to. So I am sitting here at my desk, three days after the anniversary of Alfred’s murder, and trying to get my dealings in order. I am making preparations for the future.
I am leaving some things to others, but I do not know for what I could leave you. So I shall wish you to have my captain’s hat, in any case. And anything else that you should wish. I also, as many are well aware of, have a considerable connection to the constabulary. You currently have nothing to really fear from them, but if something should happen to me, I do not know if you will have problems from them then. I should hope not! Your broadcast is one of the finest things in this whole city.
And it is because of your broadcast that I came to be introduced to you. An occurrence for which I am extremely grateful. You are one of the closest friends I have ever come to have. I can trust you with my life, and in fact have before. I hope that if you were with me when this happened, that you understand that you are not responsible.--I know that guilt can eat at people such as ourselves. You have seen me at my worst, my most ruthless, and you
I wish for you to find your own answers, to continue our quest, to seek company, and I wish for you to find your own lights in the darkness.
---Captain Sabitha Lorel Cassius
I have begun setting-up more of a future that I ever believed that I would ever have the chance to have again. And as part of this future, I am trying to get my dealings in order. And so I am here in my office, two days after the anniversary of my partner’s murder. Writing letters & going over paperwork in the case that I cannot keep a promise that I made to Narciso. I promised to always return back to London; whether from Gloucestershire, or from death.
So I a, Writing to you because from the moment that I met you, you became one of my favourite people down here. I only that I had met you Above ground, I would have offered you an apprenticeship. You always surprise me with you cleverness, but it needened have been for detecting. I just want you to know that I am proud of you, in any case. And despite some of the choices you have made, I still have an odd sort of fondness & pride in you.
I often wonder what became of you. I like to believe that you merely returned to Above ground. The evidence suggests that, in any case.
You were my first ever friend in London. And
---Captain Sabitha Lorel Cassius
Though I know not if you will return from your departure, I am still writing you this letter.
I have found my lights in the dark. I see a future where I never saw one before. And I see an attempt at a home.--Between Narciso & me, which is also something that I would never have foresaw. But as a part of this future, I have need to have my dealings ordered.
So I should wish for you to know that I consider you a very dear friend. There are many times that I miss you. And you are often in my thoughts.
If something does happen to me that I cannot keep my promise to return from, and you should in fact come back, well I should wish for you to have my noble steed. My Velocipede. Please contact that Mr. Nathan Attford. It is a lovely contraption, and one that is well loved by me. And it offers me a freedom; where I cannot run very far what-with my weak knee.
I hope that you find your own light in the dark, or what you seek, in any case.
If something should happen to me, that I cannot return from, I should wish for you to know that I find you to be one of the most sensible people I have ever met. And that I am proud & fond of you. I have been fond of you since the first time we met, and I only wish that I could have had more of an opportunity to socialise with you. Well, you an Knives, as I have not seen her since the night that Mr. Nathan Attford won her for you.
The reason for this letter is for in the case that something should happen to me. Because I am getting my dealings in order, due to planning for the future. I feel as if I have found my light in the dark.--Narciso and me are even going to share a house and make an attempt as building a second home. I have not been happier than I am right now for a very long time. Not just happy, but even if it is silly, I feel filled with this feeling of contentment.
To be further respectable, I should wish you to know that I think that I may think of you as almost a younger sister. I was born an only child, so I do not know exactly how that is supposed to feel. I suspect it may be similar to this, in any case. In conjunction with the fact that I am proud of you, and fond of you, I should also wish for you to know this.
I am planning for the future, and a part of sorting my dealings, is writing letters to some of the important people to me. In the case that something should happen that I cannot return from.
I want you to know that I am terribly fond of you. You are a very beautiful lady, both in & out. And I hope for the best in life for you. I have heard that you are making quite a name for yourself. And I plan to tell you so when we next should meet. But I have a dangerous undertaking, and voyage soon. So in the case that something prevents me from coming back, here that is in writing for you.
I should also like for you to know that my name is ‘Lorel’. I plan to let close associatiations call me by it is they should so wish. I am going to be attempting a home down here, after all. And as this is this sort of letter, my name is ‘Sabitha Lorel’.
Yes, and yes, I am also a woman.
But if something does happen to me, you will receive a large quantity of gemstones. Mostly Diamonds, and over 1470 of them--Just be wary of Mr. Stones! And I am also planning to leave you a great many of my connections.
Here is to finding your own path, and what you seek, and your lights in the darkness.
---Captain Lorel Cassius
If you are receiving this letter, then something has occurred to prevent me from returning. I made a vow to Narciso for that I would always return to London.--Whether from Gloucestershire, or from death. I plan to keep this and many other vows, but there is always a possibility that I cannot do such. So in my planning for the future comes a need to get my dealings in order.
Four days ago was the anniversary of my husband’s murder. I have survived four years. And I plan to keep surviving. Until recently I did not care if I did, or I did not, nor did I expect or wish to. I did not see a future past my answers that I am seeking. Now I have found my lights in the dark. I suspect that you also are aware of what it is like, and what it feels like to survive. So I wish for you to also find your light.
Alfred & me tried, but were not able to have children. Now-even without need for these letters-I will never have any of my own.
---Captain Sabitha Lorel Cassius
[This letter is delivered with a large knit afghan, of blues, and green wool.]
I do not know if that you will receive this letter or not. If it is sent however, then it means that something that I cannot return from has happened to me.
Yet I am planning on a future, so these letters are being written to get my dealings in order. I have mentioned ‘lights in the dark’ on many occasions, and as of now I have finally found mine in a way that has far less of a transience.
I wish to thank-you for your companionship, and for your tea house. I have spent many memorable times in there, and I owe you, and Anna, and it a great deal in and for my current state of contented happiness.
---Captain Sabitha Lorel Cassius
If you are receiving this letter, then something has happened that prevents me from returning from. I made a vow to Narciso-well many vows-for that I will always return to London; from Above ground, or from death. Yet I may be unable to keep that vow. And that possibility is one for that I hope against, but am trying to prepare for as a part of planning for the future.
So I will need you to be there for your adoptive ‘Poppa’. I do not know if he has mentioned much of me. I hope that he has, but it is a fear that he has not. Yet Narciso is one of the most important people in the whole of the world to me, We are beau & belle. Alluring Accomplice & Dashing Detective.
I am aware that I have not treated you very well. More like a liar and a thief than the adoptive daughter of my love. So I wish to apologise for doing as such.
I also was adopted. My father died before that I was born, and my Mama died when I was three years-old. But my upbringing was most likely better than your own. I was raised by my uncle & his housekeeper. So I am, glad that Narciso has taken you under his care.
I must ask, however, that you please be decent to Louis Plumb. And for you to keep in your mind that you have a bright potential.
---Captain L.S. Cassius
I am trying to get my dealings in order, as I am preparing for the future. As part of this preparation, I am writing letters, and completing paperwork in the event that something should happen to me. Something that I will be unable to return from, and if you are receiving this, then that something has occurred.
I do not think that I have much in my possession that you would wish me to leave to you. Yet I should wish for that you should have my peacock cap, and the gown that goes with it, if you should have a want of it. I am also leaving a request with Narciso & Nathan to set a memorial up in Tyrant’s Gardens, so I should wish you to help by being involved in that as well.
We have not been friends or even all that close up until recently (of my writing of this letter). I am still not sure as to why, but I must admit that I have somewhat been holding a small grudge. Since with the exception of this letter I doubt I will even mention this to you, I should wish you to know what this in fact is. You made a comment once that deeply offended and angered me. Yet I did not make a reaction, or mention of it.--I play at ambiguity after all! “Bitches in britches” was the comment. Now I suspect that you may now have made a guess that it is because I am in fact a woman, that also prefers to wear trousers. Which is correct. I am a woman. I feel like a woman, I have the body of one. I married with love a man named Alfred. But I often like to play at being a gentleman, in any case. I wear a brace about my chest, but I am only trying to appear androgynous to allow others to make an assumption as to my gender. People tend to see, and interact with what gender they wish to. But my duality of gender is only a play of sorts; unlike that of Narciso. Of our close associates, I have only shared this knowledge with the Commodore, Narciso, Nathan, Bar, Louis, & Polly. It is
You have also found enjoyment in the guessing of my name. My name is ‘Lorel’. Like the laurel tree. And as this is the sort of letter that it is; my forename is ‘Sabitha’. Which I find quite silly, and if you should wish to know why then please ask Nathan or Narciso, if they are able to talk about me. I hope that you will be there for them in the even that something does happen to me. And please do not let Narciso cause harm to himself. Even just thinking of that possibility is more than I can bear with my heart.
I do not wish for there to ever be a need for these letters I have been writing to ever need to be sent. I have such a contented happiness and a hope for the future as of this current time. All that I can see is, well it is possibly silly, but all I can see is a brightness to come. My close companions & associations, an attempt at a home, inviting my family to visit, my answers. I have more of a future now than I ever expected to have again.
There is a great deal of things that I can thank-you for, and many memories. I just have a wish that you also find your lights in the dark, and know that you do have close companions.
---Captain Lorel Cassius
If you are receiving this letter then something that I cannot return from has happened to me. So I will need you to be there for Narciso. And to above all else; do not let him cause any harm to himself. I was there after one of the times with the Mirror of Hearts. I-being a detective-asked him stupid and drunken questions, because for at the time, I had only met him once before at a party and the whole concept of ‘Neath death, and the strange cause of death was fascinating to me. I know that it was best that someone was there for him that night, but I also have a deep regret for merely asking maladroit questions, along with making equally tactless comments.
The purpose for writing this, and the other letters I am writing is to help me to get my dealings in order, because I am preparing for the future. Not just this attempt at a second home with Narciso, but as of now I see more of a future than I ever expected to have a chance at again. You once asked me if I was planning to bring harm to myself after I had my answers. I replied that I would not, but to be honest it was because though I would not harm myself, I never expected to survive or to have a future after my quest. Now I do, and so I am trying to prepare for it.
The past few months (as of the time I am writing this letter) I admit that I have been avoiding you. Out of insecurity, anger, and a fear for another badgering like the time in April. Without need for this letter I currently have plans to try to socialise trepidly with you, but I doubt that I will have the courage to address why I have been upset. I have nostalgia for our friendship, but I also have doubts that it could ever be as close as it once was. Still I plan (again as of the time of writing this letter) to try to repair it as best that can be done. And I did send over a toy peachick I commissioned from Louis, as a gift for the whole of the bookshop.
I was deeply hurt by your idea to buy a ring for Narciso, and plan to have him wear it while with me. Up until that point I had thought that we were friends, as well as being equal partners.--His two most important lovers. Yet after that I felt like I was merely a lover on the side that would be used in games against my consent. I felt quite worthless, and redundant. And it is because of this that I later asked him to no longer wear his Exquisite Ivory Gown while in my company. Then after deciding not to buy the engagement ring, you kept insisting that if I would not go along with this, that instead I should ask him to marry me. I had previously discussed with you my own personal marriage morals, and besides from the fact that Narciso would never wish to marry me, I could not very well ask him to do such.
Yet this is all meaningless now if you are reading this letter. There may be regrets, and other horrible things of that sort, but there is not much that can be done as of now. So I can only request that you look after, and be there for Narciso. Because I do believe truly that he loves me, just as I love him, even with my ill treatment caused by fear. I do greatly, and deeply regret ever hurting him, and up until there is need for this letter, I plan to vehemently keep my vows to him.
Dearest Mr. Attwood,
Six days ago from the time I am writing this letter was the four year anniversary of Alfred’s murder. I have survived, but now I am no longer merely surviving, but also preparing for the future. And it is because of this preparation that I am taking the time to try and get my dealings in order. Which does involve far too much paperwork, and letters which I would greatly prefer that I did not have to write. Letters that I hope will never have need to be delivered, in any case. Yet if you have had this letter delivered to, then something has occurred which I am unable to return from. I have told you about the vows that I have made, and that I plan to keep. But just as I had to plan for the possibility of if I were to die, so I must plan for the possibility for that I will be unable to keep these promises.
Nathan, I am so, so sorry if this letter is needed to be sent. But I shall wish you to know that you are the closest friend that I have ever had. I have such a terrible respect for, and a terrible love for you. The most respectable person that I will ever know, and my most favourite of artists. Every moment that I have spent with you has been one that I cherish. And as of the time of writing this letter; I expect to spend a great deal more of time with you. I hope to find a house near-by to yours. I hope for an attempt at a second home. I hope to introduce you to Robin, and to Uncle, and more. I have hope for so much.
Yet if something should happen to me, I should wish for you to be in the charge of my affairs. I trust you immensely. I have asked the Commodore to try and return with my remains if he is with me at the time. I expect that if it will be anywhere, it will be on our mutual quest, in any case. Our search for our answers. If he cannot, then I will have left my four rings back in London, so I would request for that those be sent back to Frampton-On-Severn in my stead. As for London, I have set aside the expenses & the paperwork for to have a memorial to be placed in Tyrant’s Gardens. A small one that I am leaving the design for in yours, Scarlet’s, & Narciso’s capable hands.
And I should want for you to have my shack up in the High Castle. I can think of no-one else that I would rather to leave one of the few places that I feel safe in London to. It is very dear to me-though I often will not admit it-and has been my primary residence for over a year. I have made more good memories up at my nest than I at this current time can count. And I do not wish for such a place to return to being just a hide-out, or a low-rent lodging for dangerous, or shady sorts.
I am leaving Bar my office & rooms at #27c Ladybones Road. I know that he is not as involved in the vocation as he once was, but still I can again think of no other person that I would rather to have it. My shack, my office, the Melimela Pippin, Mutton Island, your townhouse, the Whispering Leaves, & Tyrant’s Gardens are my few favourite place in all of The ‘Neath.
I should also wish for you to know that my forename is ‘Sabitha’. Yes, and yes, a foreign name. I have been told that it means “speech” in Hindu. My Mama chose it to reflect that my father was a merchant captain. Even though he only ever sailed along the coast of Europe, and he had not ever even been to India. Which is why I have always thought mt name silly, and have always gone by ‘Lorel’, or ‘Lor’, or ‘Lorrie’. Lorel like the laurel tree. ‘Sabitha Lorel Cassius’, with ‘Lumbry’ as my maiden name.
[the writing has become shakier, and the page has water-stained marks.]
In the past year I have gone from not expecting a future, and not even expecting to survive my quest–or not for long after. All I could see was nothing in a vast expanse. At Christmas, before my madness, I ended-up almost drinking myself to death on Laudanum, on wine, and on brandy. Because I could just nit bear the loneliness. It felt like it was crushing in, and I deeply regret that I did not go to visit Narciso during it as he had requested. But now I see and am aware that I am not alone, and I have promises that I will never be alone such as that again. And I see a future now too. Past the vague back-and-forth that I realised that I could have back in April. An attempt at a second home, and a place to return to. Close associates & friends.
I often refer to ‘lights in the dark’, and now I think that I have finally found mine in a way that has less transience than before. All I can think of while I sit here writing this, is things that I plan to do. Things that I hope for. Which really should not be what this letter is about, yet I do not expect that it will need sending. Even as of now while sitting here and writing, I feel an overwhelming sense of contented happiness. So I hope with all I can hope with, that these letters will not have a need to be sent at all. That most will become out-dated, need to be re-written, and that those will also just end-up in my office stove when I write yet more new ones.
Lastly, again I wish for you to know that I love you, my swanling. Even if you are a very confused one, being mothered by a peahen. You are a very respectable swan, in any case. I cannot think that an actual peahen could feel any more proud, or loved, than I do with all my chicks, and my swanling, and whatever else makes up this menagerie. I will always be so wildly fond.
---Captain Sabitha Lorel Cassius
It may be thought odd for one to be writing a letter to a raven. Yet here I am, sitting up here in my office, and doing just that. I told you about my planned attempt at a second home. But I am also preparing for the future in general, and in all. So I am trying to get my dealings in order.--For now, and in the case that something I cannot return from occurs. Which is what that if this letter is actually sent means.
I have not have much socialisation with you, but I have an odd fondness. And it may be further silly to admit that you make me think of what a grandfather is maybe like. I never knew any of my grandparents; So I do not know what they are similar to. Yet I also was born an only child, but I think I have found what having siblings is like.
I do not think that I have anything in my possession that you might want. Still you may have anything material I leave behind that you should with to take. I suppose that I can also leave my scarf to Mr. Salvador, in any case. My sister-in-law Elise knit it for me as a gift for last Christmas. I do not care for the d---able ‘snow’ of The ‘Neath--In fact I find it quite horrible.
As this is the sort of letter that it is, I will tell of a doctor I met on several occasions. He claimed to know of Mr. Salvador, warned against him, and made accusations that he had killed his own daughter. Now if someone had said something similar to me about the murder of my Alfred, then they would have received harm from me. I can honestly profess that I do not have any belief that Mr. Salvador would have hurt his Sarah. The boy’s name was Dr. Eli Tantaquidgeon, and he also insisted on referring to me as ‘citizen’. Much to my increasing annoyance.
I do make an attempt to play at an appearance of ambiguity to the appearance of my gender though. I do not know if you are aware that I am in fact a woman. However, I am still just Lorel. But as we were talking on names, my forename is ‘Sabitha’. I have been told that it means “speech” in Hindu, but I find my Mama’s reasoning for naming me such quite silly.
Take-care, and I hope that you & Mr. Salvador find your own lights in the darkness.
---Captain Lorel Cassius
I have been spending the last week since October 8th, writing letters and ordering my dealings as a part of planing for and on the future. And yours is the last that I have left to write, and one that I do not wish to write. Just as I did not wish to think of the chance of me dying down here, I do not wish to think of a future where what we are planing never comes to pass. I made you a promise-a vow-to always return to London & to you. And it is a vow I plan to keep. But I know that I may not be able to keep it, if something should happen that makes me unable to return. The journey, and my quest is a very dangerous task. And one that I do not know what I will meet on it. So in order to prepare for a future, I must also prepare all aspects.
If something should happen to me, I do not want you to harm yourself and try to come after me. It hurts me to even think that you might, and so I am clearly stating that I do not want you to. I still am unable to form the words with my voice to tell you so, but I am writing it here, in any case.
And I want you to know that you have made me one of (I should think) the happiest people in the whole world. And one of my greatest lights in this darkness. My sunlight. I love you terribly, and wildly, and I cannot put into words how much I look forward to sharing a future & an attempt at a home with you. Though I will have my answers, I want this, and a place to return to, even more.
All I can think of while I sit here writing this, is things that I plan to do. I plan to share many more adventures with you, and many more excursions out for blancmange, and for prowling. I plan for solving cases with your help. Many more nights sharing our bodies with each other. And I plan to spend Christmas with you. I should have done so last year, but this year I plan to take your offer of a fire and cider. I plan to have my brother-in-law to visit, and introduce him to you, and my other close associations. And once we settle on a place in the Tower of Eyes,
Yet if something does become of me, that I cannot return from, well there are things I should wish to happen.
I should wish for you to take custody of Saunder & Triton. And any other creatures under my care at the time. A little brown bats have been recorded as being able to live over 30 years; with proper care. And I think that I may venture to adopt another lizard, or so, in the near future. You know that I take Triton out for walks, and I hope that you will continue this hobby. He really does seem to enjoy it--well I hope that he does.
Our lady of the Zee will become yours. You can change her ownership to just your name, or you may chose to keep the Melimela Pippin under both of our names.
You will still have part share in #27c, but I am leaving it to Bar. I can think of no other person in The ‘Neath that I would rather have it. And I am leaving my shack to Nathan. My shack, our lady, the lodgings of friends, and Tyrant’s Gardens are my favourite places in London.
And it is because of this that though I wish for my remains to be returned to my first home of Frampton-On-Severn, I am setting aside funds, and paperwork to have a memorial placed in the Gardens. It is a place that I often spend time in. I also ask that you collaborate with Nathan on this, if you should chose to. I do not know what you two will select, but I may suggest a peahen, and/or peacock, with peachicks, possibly in bronze. I know very well the need for a place to mourn at, and I do not wish to have an empty grave in one of the smuggling-ridden cemeteries. I admit that I talk to Alfred at his grave, and memorial, and even if he cannot hear me, I like to believe that he can in some way.
I plan to tell you my name any way, but if I never get the opportunity to do so, I wish for you to know that my name is ‘Sabitha’. ‘Sabitha Lorel (Lumbry) Cassius’. Yes, and yes, the reason I find my forename silly is because it is a foreign name. “Speech” in Hindu, I have been told. When my father died at sea, my Mama wanted a name to reflect that he was a merchant captain. Even though he only travelled along the coast of Europe, she chose a “name of the Empire”. An Indian name, that I have never gone by. I have always much preferred ‘Lorel’, or ‘Lor’, or ‘Lorrie’, and am making a point of telling my close associations so as of now. There is no real point in using ‘L.S. Cassius’ with them, especially with the planned lack of transience in the future. And most of all I adore being referred to as a peafowl/peacock/peahen, and ‘dear fellow’, and ‘pavona’, and your ‘Dashing Detective’, and beau. I am aware that I am not, and do not make any claims to be an actual peafowl, but it is an endearment from those close to me, and so I cherish it. It makes me feel thought of, and it makes me feel loved.
[the writing has become shakier, and the page has water-stained marks.]
Only the thought that if this letter does end-up needing to be receive, that it may be the last thing you will have from me, and the last things I can say to you, keeps me writing. But I plan that this letter will become obsolete and after Christmas I will write a fresh one that will also become out-dated. That you will never even know that I have written something of this sort.
Yet there is something I doubt that I will ever have the courage to tell you. About why I stopped talking to Henrik, and about why the Exquisite Ivory Gown, and the whole marriage business makes me feel as it does. That day back in April, I was just finishing a meal with Mr. Coppercrow, and a day of writing letters to clients, when Henrik buttonholed me in the street. He was looking to buy a ring for you, and on seeing me he said that he supposed he had better ask me first. He mentioned that it was not just to claim you, but also for play. That you would wear it while with your other lovers to play at having adulteries. Other lovers such as myself. I had never felt so pointless. I felt like I was only a little side affair that could be played with against my consent. Until that moment I had thought that I was an equal romantic partner, but after I felt like I had been mistaken, and worthless. And when I showed devastation to the notion, he then kept asking me to marry you. And I know very well you would never have wished to marry me, but you are also aware that I have a different set of expectations and morals for marriage than you. Yet at the time it felt that if I would not participate in the ring game, then it would be similar if it was a reversed role. Then when we met not long after, when we were going to go prowling, you mentioned that the gown I was so fond of, that I thought was special for me, was also used for these games. Yet you had planned to wear it to the opera with me. I felt an idiot for being fond of the garment, and fear that to be with you while you wore it, that I would be being used against my consent. Not by you, but by Henrik; with the thought of you going on an excursion with one of your side lovers in your wedding dress. It caused me such insecurity, and fear, and I just did not know what to do. Those feelings, and the inability to cope with those feelings ate at me for months, and months.
And because of my fear, I have caused you pain. I apologised, but I wish to again in this letter. I wish you to know that I am so very deeply regretful for treating you illish. I even regret how I handled the Saint Valentine’s gift you sent me. I know that I hurt you with such. Again, if was due to fear, which is still not a way to excuse it. I know now that you were merely trying to be traditional, and to share a ‘Neath custom with me. Not being inconsiderate by sending me something I disliked, that you had send every other lover, and by mail without even a visit. And my fear kept me from addressing the problem at the time, and just causing myself worry, and you pain. And I wish you to know that as of my writing of this letter, that I still plan to keep my promises to you, and to treat you better than I have. And to not snap if I may have misunderstood something. I do not have any of those fears now, and I again feel equal. So I plan to try to socialise with Henrik Paulsen trepidly in the near future. You have offered me an attempt at a home, and we have made resolutions, and I believe with all my heart that there is only brightness to come from now on. So I again hope that this letter will never need to be or be sent.
I love you, always, my Alluring Accomplice.